Tuesday 28 July 2020

it's unfortunate, just coordinates

I loved you so much that I put my pride aside and let you walk away. I knew it was a possibility, but I still wasn't ready until the day I made it happened. I loved you so much that I would rather you be free and away from me than you being right by my side and feeling alone.

You deserved more.

And the thing is, I knew I could've been better. I knew if I really wanted to prove my love for you, I would try to be better. But in my head, there was a constant war, and my demons, well, my demons proved to be stronger than my love for you. You knew no matter how hard you tried to make it work, my own thoughts would only tear us apart.

Now we're here. 

Stuck in the limbo of being neither really friends nor completely strangers, and I'm back to the person I was before you; still battling with the monsters in my head but this time, with the memories of you. I had to lose you in order for me to see what I could have gained had I just believed in you; had I just believed that I was good enough to love someone.

All I want to do is to right my wrongs but now that it's all in the past, I can only write my wrongs in hopes that maybe one day, I can finally move forward. You'll always be a part of my life even though you're no longer actively in it.

Your mental illnesses don’t make you less worthy, and it certainly doesn't define you. That is a lesson I learnt too late.  You are just as capable as anyone to love wholeheartedly. Don’t let your demons take that away from you. 

I know better now.

I am better now.

Here's to you; cheers and thank you for my happiest year.
you will always have my whole heart.
 (A playlist for when you just want to wallow)
xxMldyC